Anyone that has ever spent a lot of time with me usually realizes one of the best words to describe me is intense. I have an insatiable drive to do whatever it is I have decided to do.
It has taken many forms over the years; Dance, Running, Flyball, Football, and for the last six years grooming competitions. Having drive and ambition and being passionate are all wonderful qualities, I see them as positives in myself as well as others. But it can also lead to an emotional rollercoaster... I have left the ring in tears as often as I have left the ring smiling.
The first time I cried after a competition was the Rescue Rodeo I mentioned in the previous post. I'm not proud I cried, and I'm a little embarrassed that my breakdown happened in front of Lindsey Dicken, Val P., and Nicole, but it happened and it is part of my history.
So why did I cry? Well.. I spent 3 hours carefully brushing out, saving a ton of hair, and putting a pretty damn decent groom on a scared shelter dog.... Only to not be considered for placement in the top 10 while 3 short haired dogs were.... Including a hairless Chinese crested.
It has taken many forms over the years; Dance, Running, Flyball, Football, and for the last six years grooming competitions. Having drive and ambition and being passionate are all wonderful qualities, I see them as positives in myself as well as others. But it can also lead to an emotional rollercoaster... I have left the ring in tears as often as I have left the ring smiling.
The first time I cried after a competition was the Rescue Rodeo I mentioned in the previous post. I'm not proud I cried, and I'm a little embarrassed that my breakdown happened in front of Lindsey Dicken, Val P., and Nicole, but it happened and it is part of my history.
So why did I cry? Well.. I spent 3 hours carefully brushing out, saving a ton of hair, and putting a pretty damn decent groom on a scared shelter dog.... Only to not be considered for placement in the top 10 while 3 short haired dogs were.... Including a hairless Chinese crested.
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| The Before and After, again. (I know I was a f*ckin rock star lol) |
When I didn't place and the short haired ones did, I couldn't help myself. I was devastated. Yes I was a new competitor, and it's a "fun contest" but the criteria set was that the class was supposed to be judged on transformation.
And I worked My butt off in that ring. It is one of only four times in six years of competing I felt "robbed", compounded by the fact that people said to me as I left the ring, "I can't believe it" and "What happened?".
Seriously, nothing makes you feel lower then when you feel like you should have placed and so does everyone around you.
One, because you worked really hard and you were really proud. Two because it also sort of feels like one is being a spoiled brat having a pity party (at least I feel bratty).
It's a tough line to walk being a gracious loser and a driven individual. It's even tougher to have a lot of self worth, and also feel like you are invisible.
I felt invisible that day. Truly, significantly, deeply invisible. I wish I could say it was the only time. I feel that way often; I've never been good at saying look at me, look at me, because I have never truly felt "ready". But I am. I am a good groomer, better than good, and you, reader, probably are too. It's tough being good and driven; it never feels like you are enough, even when it is way more than good enough.
It's a tough line to walk being a gracious loser and a driven individual. It's even tougher to have a lot of self worth, and also feel like you are invisible.
I felt invisible that day. Truly, significantly, deeply invisible. I wish I could say it was the only time. I feel that way often; I've never been good at saying look at me, look at me, because I have never truly felt "ready". But I am. I am a good groomer, better than good, and you, reader, probably are too. It's tough being good and driven; it never feels like you are enough, even when it is way more than good enough.
Heck, I've felt really invisible lately actually, currently people are sharing cherished memories on Facebook thanks to a meme, and it has not gone unnoticed to me the absence of some of my favorite people having anything to say under mine (so stupid I know). But more importantly, I've seen people gain opportunities that I have dreamed about for years, and it makes me feel like I'm not seen or valued by anyone "important". It has made me question what I am doing wrong, and fills me with self doubt. It can be gut wrenching.
I don't have any great answer to not feeling invisible from time to time... we all have insecurities and it is easy for them to manifest into jealousy. But both of those feelings are the antithesis to drive... they can cold hard stop a person in their tracks....
But then, I've learned, that sometimes I have to make my own victories; To take all that doubt, insecurity and negative feelings and turn them into fuel for positives. I celebrated at Atlanta this year, not a placement, but that my spray up finally stayed up and all my wiggies stayed in. At Tacoma my fellow competitors paid me some sincere compliments and I was overwhelmed. It meant so much they will never know...
Even today, one of the coolest people I ever met in real life shared something I wrote, and my friends that I shared my feelings with understood and didn't make me feel bad for feeling disappointed, and even my boss told me that I have so much to give and all of that made me feel a little better.
It gives me the energy to keep on going... Because driven people, we don't really know how to stop. And no matter how invisible any person feels they're not; There is someone out there that wants to be just like you. No matter what stage of a career you are in.
So tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to celebrate all the small victories. I will not wallow in my insecurities. I'm going to continue to "Bake until perfect" as my good friend put it. I'm going to clap for other's small and large victories, even if they are ones I coveted, and let them know I am there and that I see them.
I'm going to go for a casual run and burn off my left over stress and anxiety. I will look at beautiful pictures of dogs, hopefully teach someone something and work on my own things. I will choose to stay driven, because I am not invisible, and neither are any of you.
Keep shining, I see you <3
I don't have any great answer to not feeling invisible from time to time... we all have insecurities and it is easy for them to manifest into jealousy. But both of those feelings are the antithesis to drive... they can cold hard stop a person in their tracks....
But then, I've learned, that sometimes I have to make my own victories; To take all that doubt, insecurity and negative feelings and turn them into fuel for positives. I celebrated at Atlanta this year, not a placement, but that my spray up finally stayed up and all my wiggies stayed in. At Tacoma my fellow competitors paid me some sincere compliments and I was overwhelmed. It meant so much they will never know...
Even today, one of the coolest people I ever met in real life shared something I wrote, and my friends that I shared my feelings with understood and didn't make me feel bad for feeling disappointed, and even my boss told me that I have so much to give and all of that made me feel a little better.
It gives me the energy to keep on going... Because driven people, we don't really know how to stop. And no matter how invisible any person feels they're not; There is someone out there that wants to be just like you. No matter what stage of a career you are in.
So tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to celebrate all the small victories. I will not wallow in my insecurities. I'm going to continue to "Bake until perfect" as my good friend put it. I'm going to clap for other's small and large victories, even if they are ones I coveted, and let them know I am there and that I see them.
I'm going to go for a casual run and burn off my left over stress and anxiety. I will look at beautiful pictures of dogs, hopefully teach someone something and work on my own things. I will choose to stay driven, because I am not invisible, and neither are any of you.
Keep shining, I see you <3
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